making-relationships-workOne of the most common mistakes we make is losing ourselves in a relationship. It doesn’t really happen right away. This process of “losing ourselves” happens gradually. So gradual that we wake up one morning not knowing who we are anymore.

It’s a sad state but it happens. We fall in love and get caught up in the romance. The feeling of falling in love is just so intoxicating. We just want to please the person that’s making us feel amazing. This goes on and on that we forget everything else.

Jumping Into The Relationship

It’s so easy to jump into a relationship. The thrill factor is just so hard to resist that we want to spend every second with our new partner. At this point, we don’t really think much about the future. Even time cannot distract us when we are drowning in a sea of intense emotions. Words cannot describe the exciting and thrilling feeling of love (as what we think it is) most especially in a new relationship.

But the reality is that time changes everything. Over time, the relationship reaches a plateau and all of a sudden, we are lost. That feeling really sucks!

Finding Ourselves Again

So how do we find ourselves again? Well in the first place, we shouldn’t have lost ourselves. But then it’s a little too late for regrets so we pick up the pieces and learn our lesson … hopefully.

Here are a couple of lessons that I have picked up along the way. From one failed relationship to another, I’ve lost and found myself.

Stay Connected With Friends

The first mistake we make every time we are in a new relationship is that we forget our friends. We drop everything and lose touch with our friends. Even Sahaj Kohli, agrees with me here. She says that it’s a must to spend some time with friends even if we are happily drowning in a new relationship.

The good thing about this is that it’s easy to stay connected with friends nowadays. Technology makes it easier for us to do this. There is no excuse not stay connected with friends.

Avoid Major Changes

The thing about love is that it makes us do crazy stuff. All of a sudden, we are making major changes that we never even thought of doing. While it’s hard to stay sanely in love, it’s best to avoid making changes. Hence, we should never let go of that hobby or routine that we have been so used to doing on our own.

Keep Dreaming About The Future

There’s no harm in dreaming about our future, even if we think our dreams have come true (at least for the moment). Being madly in love shouldn’t stop us from dreaming and planning our future. This can truly inspire and motivate us to move into the future with or without a partner.

Spend Time Away From Your Partner

Spending some time away from our partner will give us more time to reflect on what we really want for ourselves. If we deprive ourselves of some time alone, we will tend to think more about our partner. We should think about what we want for ourselves first before thinking about our partner. That’s only time we will know if the relationship is worth keeping.

There are more than enough ways to keep ourselves in a relationship. We just really need to make that choice of loving ourselves first before losing ourselves in a new relationship.


Here’s an interesting book written by Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein. It’s entitled “Not Your Mother’s Rules” and it talks about the secret rules of dating in this digital age. It’s a book every woman should take a look at and maybe even read.

Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein appears on Anderson Live. According to the introduction, they have a huge followers of readers.

“They’ve authored five books, including two best sellers, all offering very strict rules on dating and with new technologies like Twitter and Facebook, they say women need a whole new set of rules so they’ve updated their New York Times best seller The Rules…Some say the new rules go to far …”

But have the rules actually gone too far? Are they applicable in my life? Let’s explore a couple of rules from the book.

Don’t Answer The Guy’s Text Right Away

Yeah, right! I’ve waited long enough for a text and now I have to ignore it and wait a couple of hours to reply to it. How cruel is that?

But Ellen Fein has this to say.

“We’re trying to discourage text tests. We’re finding that women are going crazy with texting. They meet a cute guy, he text them and they text back a nano second later and he text back a nano second later and by midnight they know everything about him. They forward his text to their best friends and they study it like religion … but they don’t get asked out on a date.”

Okay, so the scenario is that a bunch of girls meet a cute a guy. But my scenario is that I’m waiting for a text from the guy I had gone out with. When he does finally text me, do I do the same thing?

“With all these new technology, there’s no mystery, there are no rules. Everyone is just going crazy and we’re just having everyone pull back a little.”

Maybe I’ll decide on that if I do get a text from my date.

Avoid Peeping Into His Facebook Wall

That’s easier said than done. Ellen Fein explains this further.

“We mean, don’t talk about it with him. That’s how we phrased it because we felt that women were studying it.”

So we can still peep into his Facebook wall but not talk about it with him. I think that’s doable. I guess I just need to shut my mouth on certain stuff that I see on his wall. But shutting my mouth is pretty hard to do so I think it’s better not to peep into his Facebook wall instead. The less I know about him, the better. But then I’m back to square one! This is confusing! One more question regarding that, does Googling his name count?

No Sexy Texts

I’m still waiting for the initial text but I think rule number 25 makes a lot of sense, at least when the time comes.

“You don’t do anything you wouldn’t want out there if you broke up … Wait as long as you can before you do anything on paper.”

I think that’s one rule worth thinking about. In this digital world where everything can be recorded and documented, I really wouldn’t want to leave any footprints of my intimate moments.

So have the rules gone too far? Are these new set of rules for me? I can’t really say now. But in the meantime, it wouldn’t hurt to take a look at all the rules in the book.